


Stop and Think for a Second

by Fullmoon



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e21 Touch Of Death, Gen, Miscommunication, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 08:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15904524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullmoon/pseuds/Fullmoon
Summary: After the boys from Five-0 leave for their flight back to Hawaii, the reality of the mission finally hit. The team thwarted a world threatening apocalypse. They saved the day. So where was that warm fuzzy feeling from a job well done? Deeks is struggling to come to terms with a potential global pandemic when the team starts heckling him for being the comedic relief. Kenzie, Sam, and G all walk away after the comment, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear it.





	Stop and Think for a Second

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mulderette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mulderette/gifts).



_“I’m not cheeky; I’m charming.” Deeks smiled. He was half joking, hoping someone would stand up for him instead of smirking and walking away. No one took the bait._

_He tried again, this time a little more desperation colored his voice, “And I’m so much funnier than him, am I not? Guys? Can you back me up on this?” Nothing._

_“I just want you to stop and think for a second what this place would be like without me.” Now the entire team had walked away. Even Hetty._

_She quipped back a lighthearted insult, “Peaceful, professional, sanitary. Feel free to stop me at any time, Mr. Deeks.”_

_No one saw the way Deeks's smile dropped or how his eyes dulled. After all, the team was better without him._

—

A few days later, the team returned after a much-needed break. Hetty insisted that they take a few days off to decompress and rest after the last mission. The team did save the world after all. When they returned, however, it seems like each member was a little worse for wear. Everyone is a tad jumpier. A bit more paranoid. A touch more cynical and moody. Hetty sighed when she saw them all trying to be close to one another without the others noticing. Her team was efficient and practiced in all areas, but they failed miserably in communicating their needs— especially when those needs were emotional in nature. 

“Mr. Callen,” Hetty called, “a word, please?” She phrased it like a question, but Callen knew to follow the thinly veiled command. 

G hopped out of his seat and looked back at the curious faces of his team. He gave them a shrug before moving on to Hetty’s office. 

Before Callen could say a word, Hetty began. “Your team is in shambles, Mr. Callen. I am a bit at a loss. I thought giving you time to clear your heads after a difficult case would be beneficial. However, it seems that was not the case.” 

“I’m sorry… but what are you talking about?” Callen asked, confused. 

“Well, Mr. Callen, I know emotional vulnerability is not your forte, but I would have expected you to recognize the unbalance in your team. As the team's leader, that is part of your responsibility.” Hetty sounded like she was reprimanding a child. Her eyes softened at Callen’s lost look. 

“I know something is off, but I don’t know what it is or how to fix it.” Callen shook his head. “The last time we were all like this was when Deeks was…” Callen trailed off. 

“When Mr. Deeks was shot, yes,” Hetty finished. She remembered that case well. Deeks had been ambushed and shot, leaving the team scrambling to find his attackers. In the end, Kensi had been the target and Deeks was only meant to be bait to lure out the rest of the team. The perpetrators had fished out a weakness in the team and exploited it. In the end, Kensi was almost harmed and Deeks set back his recovery by weeks when he attempted to save his partner. The bullet wounds left large, ugly scars after reopening. Those scars were a constant reminder to the team— they nearly lost two of their own in the span of a few hours.

Hetty stood up from her desk to stand beside Callen. They both looked out at the team. “I think it would be good to remember that you all look to one another for support- not just you and Sam- but the entire team. If one member is suffering, it affects the entire unit.” 

Hetty sighed again before looking into Callen’s eyes. “I must apologize. I thought a small break would benefit the team, but it seems it only aided in separating you from one another. I had hoped you would individually recognize this and come together on your own. But, it seems your team is the type to suffer in silence. I am going to extend your leave of absence so long as you get to the bottom of what is affecting the team. And, Mr. Callen, what is affecting you.” 

Callen was never hesitant when it came to his team. But, at this moment, he hesitated. “Maybe we could train together? It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary but I think it might get us all accustomed to one another again. We might be able to open up and air everything out.” 

“You have my approval, Mr. Callen. Please take care of yourself and our team.” With that, Hetty nodded, effectively dismissing Callen. 

— 

Callen led the team to the shooting range before announcing they would be spending the day training. Kensi and Deeks glanced over at one another like they were silently communicating. Sam was more vocal. 

“Man, we spend all day together. We don’t have a case right now, anyway. Was this Hetty’s idea, G?” Sam complained. 

“What, you don’t like spending time with me, partner?” Callen joked before giving the team a solemn look. “Alright, look,” he started, “something is off and I don’t know what it is. Maybe working closer together as a team might help us all figure things out.” 

Deeks was unusually quiet. Kensi and Sam both glanced down at the floor like they were sorry for even thinking of complaining. That spoke more to Callen than anything that team had said since arriving back at NCIS. Something was seriously off with all of them and he had to get to the bottom of it, for all their sakes. 

Everyone took positions in the firing range. After a few minutes, Callen put down his weapon and cleared his equipment before checking on the others. Sam was hitting his target every time. His stance was solid but he was taking a few moments longer in between shots that he typically did. Kensi and Deeks were bickering over on the side. Kensi kept showing off by hitting her target in… unconventional places. 

“Ahh, Kenz… it’s like every time you hit your mark it sends shivers down my spine. That’s just inhumane to do that to another person.” 

“It’s not another person, Deeks. It’s a paper silhouette. It has no feelings.” 

“Yeah, but I have feelings. And I’m feeling personally victimized by your unconventional shooting.” 

“You’re right, partner,” Kensi smirked, “maybe I’ll name him Deeks's Jr.” 

“Hey! Not cool, man. Not cool.” Deeks joked. “G, tell Kenz to stop hitting the target’s junk.” 

“Why don’t you focus on your own target. You haven’t hit a single mark, Deeks.” Callen didn’t mean for his words to come out so harsh, but judging by the way Kensi and Deeks stiffened, he knew he had ruined the fun. 

Kensi glanced over at Deeks's target and saw that Callen was right. Out of an entire magazine, Deeks had only managed to graze the cutout target. She shot her partner a confused look before noticing how hard his hands were shaking. Her eyes widened.

Callen noticed too. Deeks was always cool under pressure. He handled undercover work with ease and always had his team’s back in a firefight. He was a seasoned agent. There was no reason he shouldn’t be able to hit a target in a controlled and safe environment. 

“Kensi, focus on your shooting,” Callen ordered. She nodded quickly before complying. 

Callen turned completely towards Deeks and put himself between the newest agent and the rest of the team, trying to give them some privacy. “What’s going on, Deeks?” Callen whispered. He glanced down at Deeks's hands, making it clear to what he was referring. 

“Uhh… nothing much, G,” Deeks started. He tried to deflect, “I had too much caffeine this morning. You know, double espresso and all.” Deeks tailed off after the thinly veiled excuse. 

Callen was not buying it. Deeks drank more energy drinks than Eric. But, G decided not to push the issue right then. It was better for each member of the team to naturally confide in one another. Forcing the issue would be counterproductive and harmful to their dynamics. 

“Alright,” Callen said quietly. Deeks gave a small sigh of relief. “Square up with your target and take a deep breath.” Callen waited until the younger man complied. He listened until Deeks's breathing evened out. “Focus on your target and squeeze the trigger.” 

_Bang. Bang. Bang… Bang._

Three shots in tight grouping center mass with one shot between the eyes. Deeks lowered his gun and looked back at Callen. 

“Good.” Callen nodded and clasped his hand on Deeks's shoulder.  

After practicing with a variety of weapons, the team seemed more relaxed. They even had some fun when Kensi pulled out the bow and arrow. It felt good to see them laughing again. The previous case had left everyone shaken. Preventing an epidemic was no easy task. And, the philosophical motive behind the attack was nightmare inducing. 

—

_“Hey, Murray? Keep an eye out, yeah?” Deeks high-fived the old man before sneaking into Dr. Holden’s office. They knew she was connected to the stolen smallpox vials but finding a motive or target was proving difficult._

_Deeks methodically swept the room before heading to the desk. He carefully opened the computer, searching for anything that would give the team a clue to Dr. Holden’s plan. Finding nothing, he cracked open the case and removed the hard drive so Eric could work his magic. Before leaving, his eyes caught a message on Dr. Holden’s whiteboard: “And the four angels, who had been prepared for this very hour and day and month and year, were released to kill a third of mankind.”_

_“Oh, my god.” The color drained from Deeks's face. He ran out of the office, grabbed Kensi, and sped off to headquarters as fast as possible._

—

“This is not my idea of a good time,” Deeks complained. The team was sitting around a table in the weapons room, disassembling and cleaning their weapons. “I mean, I know you guys all love this sort of thing. I get the scare tactic and all, but do we really have to practice this? We all know how to clean a gun.” 

“That’s not the point, Deeks,” Kensi chastised. 

“It’s therapeutic. And caring for your weapon is like caring for yourself,” Callen said. 

“I agree with Kensi and G,” Sam nodded. “The more you care for your weapon, the more it will care for you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve literally seen all of you clean your weapons when the shit hits the fan if you know what I mean. I get it. I do. I just don’t get why we’re doing it now.”

Callen sighed and put down the piece of his gun he was oiling. “We just worked a tough case. Shit did hit the fan and this is a good way to deal with it.” 

“What so we’re having therapy session now?” Deeks said. 

“No,” Callen replied. "We are spending time as a team. We need this right now.” 

“We need this right now… alright.” Deeks repeated under his breath. Callen didn’t press the matter but Sam looked like he might. G gave his partner a quick shake of his head signaling to drop the topic. Callen could tell that the other members of his team were slowly relaxing, but the shake in Deeks's hands only seemed to intensify. The youngest agent was trying to hide the noise of his shaking weapon pieces under the noise of his complaining. It would have worked if he wasn’t sitting with a former Navy Seal, a former CIA operative, and a formidable sniper. 

The group worked in silence for a bit more before Kensi shot her hand out to swat Deeks's. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” she said. 

“Excuse me? How many different ways are there to clean a gun?” 

Kensi sighed as if she was working with a difficult child. She wasn’t that far off. “I know you know how to do this. But this is a better way.” Her voice grew softer as she made her way around the table and leaned against Deeks. She put her hands on his and moved his fingers to her liking before instructing him. “If you rotate the bore brush inside the barrel, it removes more of the debris and prevents build up. If you simply move it vertically, you clean the barrel but might miss some of the build up. Rotating is more effective.” 

Deeks silently nodded and followed his partner’s directions. 

— 

Before long, the team made their way to the recreation room. Callen had thought ahead and asked Hetty to make sure there were mats for the team to use for sparing. 

“I think we should change it up,” Callen said as they made their way over to the center of the mats. “Sam and Deeks pair up and Kensi and I will. One pair goes and the other pair watches. Then we’ll use the pair ups to go after one another 2-on-2.”

Kensi and Callen went first. Their sparring went from stiff and awkward to fluid in a few minutes. Kensi was floating around Callen, staying just out of reach of his punches. Callen was constantly moving, always sidestepping her throws and jumping over her leg sweeps. It was impressive to watch, especially since their fighting styles were so different. Kensi finally got the upper hand and grappled her way up Callen’s shoulders. She gripped her thighs around his neck and swung her body weight around, forcing Callen off balance, toppling to the floor. 

“That’s my girl! The thighs of death— I love that move.” Deeks applauded. “Very Black Widow of you.” 

Kensi smiled and reached down to pull Callen up from the mat. 

“Seems you’ve found your match, big guy,” Sam laughed from the side. “Kensi looks like she’s been practicing.” 

“Oh, well— Nell and I go to some kickboxing classes every now and then,” Kensi laughed. “It’s fun to experiment there.” 

“I’m sure you give them a run for their money,” Deeks said. 

Kensi smiled and winked at her partner. “A girl’s gotta keep in practice.”

Deeks shot her a smile, the first genuine one of the day. 

“Alright. This was good. I knew a change up would be beneficial. I’ve been working with this old man for too long. Gotta improve my skills.” Callen laughed and playfully slapped Sam’s chest. 

“Old man. I’ll show you old man.” Sam retorted. “Come on, Deeks. Let’s show them how it’s done.” Sam moved to the center of the mats and motioned for Deeks to join him. 

“Oh… I’m suddenly thinking this may not be a great idea,” Deeks frowned. Fighting a man like Sam, an ex-Navy Seal, was not on his to-do list. 

“You got this, Deeks.” Kensi cheered. 

“Screw it. Let’s do this.” 

Deeks held his own for about four minutes before Sam saw an opening and pinned the other man to the floor. Both men were sweating and panting by then. Most fights out in the field lasted a matter of seconds, not minutes. But, training with one another was supposed to be difficult. 

Deeks let out a frustrating sigh. “I thought I had you there for a second.” 

“You left yourself open on the left. You’ll need to work on that,” Callen called from the side of the mat where he and Kensi were watching. 

“Your punches got sloppier the longer you went. You need to work on your endurance for hand-to-hand combat in the field,” Kensi said. 

Sam helped Deeks off the mat where he had fallen quiet under the scrutiny of his teammates. “Hey, maybe you could have lasted longer against Callen. Deeks, man, half the fight your head was unprotected. It would have been easy to cause a lot of damage if you weren’t properly—“ 

“Alright. Enough!” Deeks yelled. He pulled his hand away from Sam and stumbled back a few paces. “I get it. I’m the weak link. I know. You don’t have to shout it out to the world.” 

“Deeks?” Kensi took a step towards her partner and reached out only to have him move farther away.

The atmosphere in the room shifted instantly. 

“It’s okay, Deeks,” Callen said calmly. He spoke softly like to a hurt child or cornered animal. Deeks wasn’t far off from either of those descriptions. “We didn’t mean anything by it. We were just trying to help.” 

“Yeah. Like you’ve been helping all day. I can see it. I know what’s going on.” Deeks looked like he was on the verge of tears which baffled the rest of his team. “First it was you with the shooting, then Kensi with the guns, and now Sam with the fighting. I know I’m the weak link but you don’t have to shove it in my face. I’m trying to get better. I am.”

“Deeks, what are you talking about?” Sam asked. He shot a glance at Kensi and G, but they looked just as confused as he was. 

“I can’t do this right now. I need… I gotta go.” Deeks turned away quickly and practically ran out of the room. 

 — 

Callen told them not to follow Deeks. It was said softly like it pained him to even utter, but the command was clear as day.

Deeks needed time. 

And, the others needed to figure out what the fuck just happened. 

Sam was still breathing heavily when he sat on the edge of the mat. Callen joined him and took a second to calm his heart rate which had jumped as soon as it seemed like one of his teammates was hurt. It was so much harder to fix a problem when there wasn’t a bad guy to punch. Kensi looked like she wanted to run after her partner, but a stern look from Callen made her turn away. She kneeled next to the boys instead. 

“What is going on?” Kensi asked. 

Callen looked at both of his teammates and saw the hurt deep in their eyes. The situation he was trying to fix just came around and blew up in his face. “Hetty saw it as soon as we came in this morning. All of us are off. Something’s going on and I don’t know what it is. Hetty’s giving us more time to get everything settled again. She thinks it has to do with the last case. But… I’m starting to think there is more to it than that. I wanted us to spend time together today. I thought it would help us settle back together and maybe confront the problem. It looked like I just created a bigger problem.” 

“It’s not just on you, G,” Sam said. “We all had a part in this.” 

Kensi swallowed nervously before commenting. “I think I might know what’s going on.” 

“Yeah?” Callen said. 

“The last case… it really spooked Deeks. I joked that he was getting all philosophical on me but I think he took this last one really hard.”

—

_Deeks was staring off into space when Kensi came up behind him. Unprompted, Deeks started talking. All Kensi could do was listen._

_“Do you know that we live on the only planet in the known universe with life on it? A planet with a fragile ecosystem; small, breathable atmosphere, all of which could be wiped out in a second by a meteorite or a mega-quake or…”_

_“This isn’t your B’ak’tun ’12 end-of-the-world apocalypse theory again?” Kensi joked, trying to lighten the mood._

_Deeks didn’t take the bait. “No… I’m just saying, it’s a shame, you know? We’re all alone on this rock and yet we’re still finding ways to kill each other.”_

_“Oh, don’t get philosophical on me.” Kensi had never heard her partner talk like this. It was too melancholy for his usually juvenile personality. ‘It creeps me out,’ she thought._

_Deeks gave her a half smile, but his heart wasn’t in it. “What’s the worst that can happen, right? Global pandemic wipes out half the world’s population.”_

_He’s talking like they were going to fail. It was times like these that Kensi wishes she never got into this field. She flashes to a fantasy of her and Deeks enjoying life, blissfully unaware of everything that goes bump in the night._

_“Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?” she says._

_“How’s that?” Deeks looks up at her, eyes begging for a silver lining in the dark reality they were living in._

_“Well, sometimes you don’t know how lucky you are to have something until you realize you might lose it.”_

 —

Kensi finished telling the boys about the conversation before her eyes grew wet with unshed tears. “Are we losing Deeks?” she asked quietly. 

“No,” Callen answered. “We will figure this out. Maybe he needs some space. But I think there’s more to this than him being affected by the case.” 

Sam cleared his throat. “After the Five-O guys left… do you remember what Deeks said?” 

“Yeah,” Kensi answered. “I thought it was a joke at first. I— I’m starting to think that wasn’t the case.” 

“After Dom— I didn’t think anyone could fill that position. And only six weeks after… I don’t know. Deeks somehow managed to weasel his way into this team and…” Sam struggled to get out his words. 

“We care about him. We all do. I just don’t think Deeks realizes that,” Callen said. 

“And we haven’t shown him. We just put him down over and over,” Kensi finished. She shook her head. “We have to talk to him.” 

 —

Deeks was sitting in the lounge area next to the team’s desks. He was hunched over, looking like he was trying to control his breathing. Kensi walked over slowly and crouched down, putting a hand on the man’s knee. 

“Deeks? Look at me, please,” she said in a quiet voice. “We need to talk.” 

Deeks reluctantly lifted his gaze. His eyes were red but there were no tears. He nodded his head. Sam and Callen moved into the room from their spot by the doorway and took seats flanking their two teammates. Kensi slid onto the couch next to Deeks and linked their hands together. She rubbed her thumb across his hand to help ground her partner a bit. 

“We owe you an apology,” Callen said.

Deeks's head shot up and he starred at Callen. That was not how he thought this conversation would go. 

“You’re a part of this team,” Sam stated. “That’s a fact, clear as day. And we’ve done a poor job of treating you like a teammate.” 

“I should have checked on you after the case. I knew it hit you hard. It hit all of us hard. But we didn’t… I didn’t have your back on this. We all went our separate ways without closure or comfort.” Kensi looked around the room before confessing what had been bothering her all day. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said— about the case and about you. Before you left you said ‘I just want you to stop and think for a second what this place would be like without me.’ And I did.” 

“Kenz—“ 

“No,” she said. “You have to hear this Deeks. This place would not be the same without you. After Dom… I have lost so many partners during my time here, but I will not lose you. Especially not to some stupid doctor with a god-complex and definitely not to our inability to communicate. You are, and always will be, my partner. I don’t want you getting it in your head that you are not special to me. I don’t want anyone else by my side. I don’t want anyone else covering my six. I want you. Every. Time.” 

“Kensi… I know.” Deeks tried to comfort his partner. But, Kensi cut him off. 

“Obviously you don’t. If you did, we would not be having this conversation.” Kensi huffed, trying to blow off her emotional confession. 

“You mean a lot to us, Deeks,” Sam said. “I’m hard on you because I know your potential. You have the makings of a great agent. I want to help you get there. That doesn’t mean that your skills aren’t good now. It just means we have a lot to learn from one another. I got carried away. We all did, really. That last case hit too close to home and I think we all had to face the reality of a potential failed mission— what that would mean. I can’t imagine a world without you all in it. Overprotection turned to overbearing and caused us to push you away. I’m sorry.” 

“You’re like the little brother that everyone adores. We just want to keep you safe. But— I think Sam said it perfectly, we got carried away. We let you go this long without knowing what you mean to us. And that is unacceptable.” Callen finished. 

“Haha… are we all gonna sing Kumbaya and hug around the campfire now?” Deeks tried to joke, but his voice shook with emotion. 

“Nah,” Sam answered. “But we are gonna have to open up more. I won’t pass up a camping vacation on Hetty’s dime, but it looks like the lounge is gonna have to do.” 

Deeks gave a weak laugh. “I’m not some damsel in distress. I’m a manly man who doesn’t need to talk about emotions.” His joke fell short.

“Talking about this doesn’t make you any less of a man or any less of an agent,” Callen said. “We have a terrible track record with miscommunication and that’s going to stop here and now.” 

The team sat in silence for a few minutes. Kensi moved to put her arm around Deeks's shoulder and seemed to be supporting the other man. 

“Tell us what’s going on in that head of yours, Deeks,” she said. 

Everything seemed to come spilling out of Deeks. 

“There’s not much of a cohesive thought at the moment. I… I’ve been having trouble sleeping.” 

“When was the last time you slept?” Callen asked. He shared a look with Sam. Lack of sleep might explain why Deeks was so shaky and off his game. 

Deeks put his head down in his hands and Kensi tightened her grip on his shoulders. 

“I don’t know… about three days?” Deeks answered. 

“Deeks… we’ve been away for three days. Are you telling me you haven’t slept since the case?” Callen was shocked. By the time the case was over, the entire team was running on fumes. 

“I got a few hours right after the case. I was exhausted. But…” 

Kensi finished her partner’s thought, “Then the nightmares started?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You’re not the only one who gets them,” Callen said softly. Kensi and Sam hummed in agreement. 

Deeks looked at each member of the team as if trying to spot a lie. He cleared his throat. 

“I kept seeing you all taking down Dr. Holden. But… when the car hit the barrier, the vials smashed and you all were infected with the smallpox virus. It spread to Hetty and Eric and Nell. I saw everyone I care about die just like those men in Hawaii…” Deeks's shoulders shook. “And I was the only one left. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I was too slow. I wasn’t smart enough. I didn’t see through her plan. I couldn’t stop the car from crashing or stop you guys from getting hurt. I couldn’t do anything to save you.” 

Sam reached out and gripped Deeks's knee. “I think I understand. Today must have been horrible. Our criticism only fueled the hopelessness you felt.” 

“Yeah… something like that.” Deeks mumbled. 

“I had nightmares too,” Kensi said. She wanted to share in solidarity with her partner. “But they were about you. About you getting hurt and the rest of us not being able to help. I saw you in the hospital bed like last time, only this time you never woke up.” Kensi looked down. “I understand what you’re going through.” 

“We all do,” Callen responded. Deeks looked up at the team again and nodded. He felt a lot better than he did at the beginning of the conversation, but his head was pounding and his hands still shook in Kensi’s grasp. Callen noticed. 

“I’m going to talk to Hetty about extending our leave,” Callen said as he stood up to leave. “Then we are all hunkering down and getting some rest. We can go to my place and rotate watch.” 

“Ahh… G,” Deeks finally cracked a grin. “If you wanted a sleepover, all you had to do was ask.” 

“No fun and games Deeks. You need the sleep.” Callen walked away as Kensi and Sam laughed. He caught something about pillow fights and braiding hair before making his way into Hetty’s office. 

“All is well, I suppose, Mr. Callen?”

“Yeah, all is well.”

“Good… take care of our team.”

“I’ll do my best."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work for NCIS: LA. Huge shout out to mulderette for inspiring me with their writing. Now it's my turn to give it a shot. 
> 
> I'm totally BSing most of the characterization and technical mumbo jumbo. Please be kind. This is all a work in progress.


End file.
